Now That I'm Here...

It's ten to one in the morning. I have spent the day out with a friend, running errands and then spring cleaned my room until late before sitting down with my mum on the sofa. We speak about the next few days until I begin to cry, overwhelmed by the prospect of it. It is ten to one in the morning, meaning it's my last day in Glasgow. My last day before I move to another city, to start University and training to be a Midwife.

It feels like it's been due a long time now. From carefully writing the vital Personal Statement, gathering experience and references to my two interviews in February. I remember having one the Monday, getting into the taxi and feeling sick with dread. I remember sitting down in front of a panel, every task was done with a slight shake of nerves and doubt. My interview on Friday was slightly different. I remember being on the early train to Edinburgh, feeling nervous but also just excited for them both to be over - one down, one to go. I had much better control over my nerves, knowing what to expect a little better. We had introduction talks which put me at ease and made me feel welcome. I even met some girls from my last interview. Then, it was time. About ten of us were brought to a room and we sat in a semi-circle in front of the panel who would be interviewing us. An introduction, a few minutes to tell everyone why you were here whilst remembering the confidence and eye contact, then Scenarios. You are given a picture of a Midwifery related scenario. You have five minutes to scribble furiously everything you can about that picture, you then take it in turns to discuss your findings and discuss them. It felt like my outcome depended on those five minutes. After the interview, I then had to take the train straight back to Glasgow for my shift which I was already running late for. Despite the headache from the intense day, I felt weirdly good about the whole thing and strangely positive. 

I assumed I wouldn't for a while, after all, they had 700 applicants go through with only 80 odd places. I went about my daily life, work, dog walking, work, meeting friends for lunch. I had come back from town, not needing dinner after a particularly nice feast of Wagamama's earlier, I went straight to sit down and check my emails when there it was.

"UCAS - Congratulations on your Unconditional Offer into Midwifery". 

And then another similar one from the Uni. 

"Oh my god, oh my god" I murmured. I leapt up from my seat and ran into the living room. 

"Dad! Dad, Dad, I got a place, I did it, I got a place" I said, the tears already forming as I leapt into the room. My dad and sister instantly leapt up and cheered and jumped up and down with me - even the dog was celebrating. Celebrations were repeated when Mum came home from work, we both couldn't believe it. Nothing beats that feeling. There is nothing like that Euphoria and thinking, I did it. I was capable and I did it. And I achieved. I am on my way to my dream career. I did that and I was good enough. I cried for hours as I spent the night on my phone telling all my loved ones. I was excited but I remember so vividly when I was sat on the sofa that night with a tinny from Marks and Spencers, Violet (my greyhound) coming over as I cried, licking my face. It was then I realised that everything would change and it was exciting but it was also terrifying. 

This was all in March, fast forward Summer where I worked, travelled and spent time with friends and family. This daunting new chapter was getting ready, always in the background with trepidation, excitement, fear and worry. All the feelings have got more overwhelming as moving day drew closer and closer and I began to say goodbye to friends and family. I struggle with the thought of change, of not being good enough and of not making friends, ultimately the fear of failure. The thought of the unknown too. The sadness of not knowing when I would see certain friends when I would visit my beloved London was difficult even though I know it makes no sense because I never truly know that anyway. It was scary. It all was happening so fast. I didn't want people to forget about me. 

The 4th of September, I've just finished cleaning my room, giving it a deep clean before I leave it for a while. I stop to admire the finished, cleaner result before getting emotional. I remember so many times, sitting at my now very empty looking table and studying for exams, struggling with school socially and academically. It's weird to think I will no longer be living in my safe space of sixteen years but I am also immensely proud. That younger teenager who struggled so much and would yearn to be away from it all, if she could see that she did it, she survived and is now getting ready for Uni... It wasn't even that long ago but that goal felt so far away. 

Now that I'm here, I feel so much of everything. I am terrified. Absolutely terrified about making friends, wondering if I can achieve in my new education. Hoping I have what it takes, not just at Uni but also to look after myself, be independent. Even though Edinburgh is not far from Glasgow at all, I have never been to the area I am moving too. I am so sad to leave my dog, my friends and my family (even though my mum works in Edinburgh and my family can pop through to see me and vice versa). I am not someone who is extremely confident in her abilities sometimes, and doing something like this for me is a big push out of my comfort zone. But as the amazing Michelle Obama said, "you should never make a decision based on fear. You should make a decision based on hope and possibility". And that is what I am trying to remember. It is hard but I am so grateful, people saw potential in me. Because now I am at the start of my dream career, Midwifery. I get to train as a Midwife, I have to pinch myself every time I say it. 

It will be hard and overwhelming at times, but this is the start of my next chapter. And as terrifying as it is, it's also exciting. And even though there is tears and fear, I think I'm ready. As one of my heroes, Amanda Abbington, once said Fear and Adrenalin are the same thing and you can channel that into excitement. So now I'm here... I'm ready, tears and fear, excitement and all.